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Story of a Girl

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I had one of those crack-of-dawn shifts this morning, so I grabbed some poptarts. That set me up for the whole day, apparently. I thought I could just eat light lunch and dinner, but a friend was feeling really depressed so I took him out, and we ended up getting hot chocolate and splitting a muffin. I'm already at about 1900 calories, but I'm hungry because I didn't have really filling, healthy foods, just high-sugar things. Even though I get a bellyache when I eat those things now, it's hard to say no first thing in the morning, and then the sugar takes over and I just want more.

I will have dinner, as otherwise my body'll just get grumpy, but it'll be multigrain pasta with garlic and tomatoes. No more junk food.

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I didn't measure myself when I started losing (almost 15 lbs ago), so here are my current measurements. I've still got a long way to go:

Bust: 47
Underbust: 39
Waist: 38
Hips: 49
Upper thighs: both 28
Upper arms: both 14

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My best friend has suffered from EDs (Anorexia N. and Bulemia N. since I've known her. Of course, it never really occured to anybody that compulsive overeating and food addiction are real problems too. Sometimes I wonder if I've been scared to diet for so long because I didn't want to end up in a place like her, or if I didn't want to give up my own addiction. There were no examples of healthy eating in place. It was either binge and purge, starve altogether, or simply gorge. Now I'm in an apartment with healthy, "normal" women who don't have any of the issues surrounding food and exercise that I've spent a lot of time exposed to or suffered from myself. In a way, it's helpful, as they buy the right foods and set a good example, but it's also difficult to communicate just why I have difficulty with many things they take for granted.

My biggest fear is that this will become an all-consuming part of my life. "Just Say No" is a lot more difficult than they make it sound when you're a kid, even moreso when you have to say no sometimes, but be sure to say yes other times.
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The pants that fit quite snugly around my thighs last Saturday now have a bit of looseness, even when I'm sitting. This is far more pleasing than any scale reading.
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It's so tempting to just give up. Real progress takes too long, and I'm not a patient person. The motivation has always worn off before this goal was achieved.

But then I'm outside in the freezing cold for four hours, realizing that my jeans are threatening to fall off and I can carry the huge piles of traffic cones across an empty parking lot without my arms getting tired or running out of breath, and I find myself singing in spite of the grumpiness caused by the weather/my imperfections.

Even though I didn't get a lot of high-intensity exercise today, I feel like the physical situation I was in did kick something into gear, and I'm thoroughly exhausted now.

I'm glad that I'm going to be a bus driver trainer soon, because instead of sitting behind the wheel of a vehicle for hours, I get to run around outside watching someone else behind the wheel. I was looking around the bus garage today and realized just how many overweight people are working there, and how many new people start gaining weight once they begin driving.

I hope the scale hits 200 by Valentine's Day. It was 211 this morning, although my designated weigh-in day is Monday, so it's possible.
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It's been tough this last week to not fill my remaining calories for the day with junk food, but I feel like I'm back on track today. I had half of a banana (the bottom half turned out to be rotten--not overly ripe, but actually rotten), and grabbed a bag full of carrots that I cut up yesterday to munch on during timechecks on the bus. I drank half of a big water bottle (approx. 3 glasses), and had a light pasta lunch--whole wheat pasta, 2 cloves of garlic sauteed in olive oil, a tablespoon of freshly grated parmesan cheese, and a glass of juice. I've still got at least 863 calories in the day, but Saturdays don't end until 5AM on Sunday, so there's plenty of time to eat healthy foods to stay energized.

Speaking of energy, the exercise levels today were abnormally high. In addition to 15 minutes of some basic strength training, I went for a brisk 10-minute walk after work, and then my roommates convinced me to go for a bike ride after lunch. (It feels like late spring, not January, who could resist such a suggestion?) My rear tire is very low on air, and the front could use a smidge too, so it took a little more effort to travel than it normally would. After the ride, I could barely walk, and it took a ton of effort to climb the stairs, but it felt good.

Maybe I can make the scale start showing lower numbers again, as the gradual increase that's been happening this week is really frustrating. The real judge is the tightness of my pants, I know, but I'd still like to see a drop in pounds.
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I know that weighing myself every day is kind of silly, as weight fluctuates so much on a daily basis, but I was thrilled to step on the scale yesterday morning and see a 212 staring back at me. My lowest weight in the last five years or so was a 205, and 212 is significantly lower than the 224 that made me realize just how much I've been gaining in the last year. This morning's 214 made me really upset, but instead of wanting to binge on chocolate or ice cream, I decided to have fat-free cottage cheese with pineapple for breakfast, and enjoyed a nice bowl of fat-free vanilla yogurt and granola for lunch. Upon recieving my grades for last semester, I decided that I should celebrate, so instead of eating something like vegetables for lunch, I gave in and got a multigrain bagel from DD with strawberry cream cheese. Even so, I was only at about 1100 calories for the day, which left me with 100-600 more.

I jogged in place for only five minutes today, but also did a bunch of strength training exercises and went to my Thursday night bowling league, so I've gotten a little cardio in there.

Altogether, I really need to exercise more, or else the only weight I lose will be muscle, but I'm starting to squeeze a little bit in where I can instead of sitting around in front of computers or curling up with books.

I've got work tomorrow, so I need to remember to bring a bag of carrots or something so that I don't give in to temptation and stop at one of the fast food places on my routes if I get hungry.
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Height: 5'4"
Current Weight: 215.0 lbs
Goal Weight by 26 July 2007: 150
Goal Weight by 1 January 2008: 130
Current Size: American Woman's 18
Goal Size: 12 at most

Methods of achieving the goals: Eat healthy foods, between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. Avoid snack foods like cookies, brownies, ice creams, eat more fiber-filled carbs (cut down on bleached flour, increase whole grains, fruits, veggies). At least 15 minutes of cardio exercise a day, 30 minutes 3 times a week. Strength training 3 times a week--focus on abs, inner thighs, and lower back, but work all parts of the body.

I've lost 9 pounds since starting a little under a month ago, so I'm already on my way. The hard part is staying motivated through the rest of these winter months, but the fact that I lost weight during the holiday season is giving a bit of a boost to my resolve to do this.

I intended to post some photographs of myself so you could see physically where I am, and how much needs to change, but managed to leave my camera when I visited my parents for the holidays. Once I have it back, however, there will be picture posts.

Happy New Year, and best of luck to all with their own dreams and goals.
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